Sunday, June 23, 2013

Day Seven

A box of raspberries, a mini-bagel with hummus, and a beer until dinner. We went out to eat for my grandfather's birthday, I was happily full well before my meal was finished, and I managed to stop eating without feeling sick about my decision. 

Ordering a plate which contains more food than you want to eat, and then eating all of it, is an american tradition, and one in which I have regretfully participated many times. It was still not trivial to prevent myself from doing this tonight, but my fullness caught up with my hunger pretty quickly, and even though I stopped about halfway through. 

I'm hoping that this, I guess I'd call it food worship, is more of a habit than a psychosis. In the former case, then it is a habit I am reasonably confident of breaking. I also feel very very full after eating a reasonable amount at dinner. As of writing this, I still feel quite full.

An interesting sort of side effect. A lot of the thoughts that distract me during the day at work have faded, and the feeling of being bored is different than it used to be, and does not trigger the same sort of compulsive behavior. I'm not sure if it's that my usual go-to compulsion is eating, or if it's the drug behaving in a more general capacity than advertised, or if I'm just making this up. 

I wanted to talk a little more about standard dieting and why it seems to fail for me, dieting is all about how long you can sustain the illusion that you enjoy losing weight more than you enjoy eating burritos. While it is true that you want to want these things, it is not actually true that you want them. It usually comes after some sort of rock-bottom type scenario (though sometimes it's as simple as looking at yourself on a security camera TV instead of a mirror, and having your self-image delusions briefly removed). But this illusion that you want weight loss more than you want to overeat is impossible to maintain indefinitely, and it's broken the first time you "cheat" on your diet.

Anyway, this was a good day for me, and I feel like I had much more success overcoming this particular behavioral problem than I have had in the past.

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