Day Three

Today I had coffee and apple cider until I left work. My grandparents were celebrating their anniversary and we ate an an upscale italian restaurant. I have never been so drunk from two glasses of wine. We stayed there for three hours and I didn't feel entirely comfortable driving home. The food was tasty, but the portions were not large, this would normally bother me but today I felt fine.

Normally, I experience a deep seated impulse to eat everything on my plate and everyone elses. Sometimes I am able to fight it, sometimes I am not, but I don't believe that it has ever gone away. In college, as a social experiment, I started sharing my food with my friends. The result was worrying. I don't know if it was just greed, or some more specific psychosis, but even sharing food that we picked up from the dining hall, a FREE buffet, was psychologically exhausting. When I look at a menu in a subway, it is a feat of restraint for me to not order the meatball sub. The very thought of eating not quite enough to leave me stuffed is painful in almost precisely the same way that it is for me to admit that a republican is right about something. (If you are a republican you are free to insert the word democrat into that sentence without, I suspect, any alteration in meaning).

Today was different (though I can't stress enough the power of wanting something to be true) in that something about my appetite seemed more detached, and sharing food did not seem like a tremendous struggle. It wasn't that I wanted to share my food, I was pretty hungry by dinner time. It was more that it didn't feel like the world was going to end if I didn't eat all of the food myself. Like the starvation switch had been turned off. 

That's all I have to report for today.